Clogged toilet days

 I woke up this morning to a clogged toilet.  No guesses as to how my day’s gonna go.  Another morning where every muscle in both legs is locked up and useless.  All to look forward to is a wheelchair, a shitty breakfast, then the 9am smoke break.

My whole life feels like a clogged toilet. I’m a tourist in this long term care facility; were old people go die when no one’s left to care about them. It’s a softer kind of prison. With pain meds and angry Haitian women who will wipe your ass because they’re paid to.  I’m just passing through, too young to be give up on totally.
Funny thing is, this isn’t the first time that I almost died from alcohol and narcotics.  It happened once before. And this last time I came really close to dying. So much so, I broke my body. Maybe beyond repair. And the uncertainty of all that leads constantly to these clogged toilet days. Where are the shit that I am full of, backs up and reality and emotions spill out everywhere.

And I’m reminded of how I almost killed myself, yet again.  Of how close I came to death, And all I can seem to think, on these messy days is, if I had tried just a little bit harder, I’d have a lot less to worry about right now

a new quiet has found me. a deep, infinite silence, surrounding me, threatening to swallow me. you know you're in a bad place when you can be lonely in a crowd of faces. even when I speak, interact, go through the motions of every day, that silence is there, just underneath and behind the surface of everything. I can feel it in my bones, in my heart. that abyss of cosmic quiet, waiting patiently for time to do its' dirty trick. I don't try to fend it off anymore. I wrap myself in it. embrace it. make friends with it. and now I feel untouchable by beast or prey. only vulnerable to that grand silence, that's slowly becoming music to my ears.

Random page 2

Drivin 55 down Hwy 17, I say to Bre, "If the nukes were in the air, I'd go get a gram of blow, ten 8mg Dilaudid, and bang it all at once."
 "Really?" she replied, "You wouldn't wanna watch it happen? Sit and watch 'til the end?"

Female Repellent

I feel like Female Repellent The women at this bar look at me like I'm an asshole. And I haven't even talked to them yet?! Usually a woman needs to converse with me for a minimum of 5minutes before she realizes that I'm an asshole! Where's the benefit of the motherf*ckin doubt? Women are too f*ckin intuitive. Companies must be putting ESP meds in their bottles of Midol. Only explanation.

Thirteen

Once when I was 13years old, I skipped school. Just to lay around all day at home, eating cereal and watching tv. That was one of the best days of my childhood. And it was the first time I ever remember taking a nap in the afternoon. After several hours of tv and eating, I drifted off, fat and happy. And I had a dream of what my life could be like, if I could get away from school and people and just be free, fat, and happy. Me and my tv against the world. Needless to say, I woke up, in more ways than one. Its 20 years later today and suddenly I remembered that day, for no particular reason. And the memory was followed immediately by this realization: I’m living the life that I fantasized about all those years ago. Only, I’m not happy. All the freedom, fat, and tv in the world just makes me feel like a lonely loser. Should I be grateful? These do seem like the salad day when viewed through adolescent eyes. But I’ve never done anything good with my life except have a wonderful son. Besides my kid, there’s nothing permanent about my life. Nothing that makes me feel… successful. So just tonite Ive decided to put down the tv and food and see what’s waiting on the other side of work. And sweat. And dedication. I’m not sure what’ll happen or what I’ll find. But it’s got to be more interesting than this stagnate world where the 13 year old boy ended up. Maybe I’ll find a better dream waiting beyond constant freedom. Who knows?

Purposelessness

purposelessness - 'Simple' made a home here. Nothing comes in, goes out. All the basic needs are met: food, clothing, chemicals. And yet for all I have, there is an abyss of emptiness just below my surface. And on the precipice of this big empty: is my anger, and rage, and sorrow, and passion. All dancing like a fool under moonlight. Howling against the stars, until its voice goes horse.

"I've never been to heaven. But I've been to Oklahoma"

cruising north on HWY 341
out of downtown Brunswick, GA
the streetlamps marking each block
flicker by, making the night
seem like a movie set
suddenly
Joe Cocker finds me on the
Oldies Station and I think to myself,
'If this is "The Oldies" then I don't
want to go no further!'
He's got a voice, a style that
makes me forget I got problems
just situations that need
re-arranging
Soak me into this mood, this moment
Make me a home here that
defies loneliness
I could lay my weary head
in this feeling forever
and death could only
nip at my heels